One week ago today, ripped from his mother's womb, came forth a conqueror. Born to power by the sword and fire, I present to you all, my son, Louis IV. Forever shall the world remember and tremble.
Babies are cool. I forgot how much fun a baby can be. His Starving Majesty seems intent on eating us into poverty. But it is a small price to pay.
And his glory shall be eternal, and the people shall tremble at his feet.
I'm going to get some sleep now. Exhaustion and scotch are never a good combination. Especially when I get the urge to write.
So, once again I have come before the assembled multitudes in my head to address you all on how a director can achieve success. While my previous tirades have displayed my penchant for abuse, it should be stated that I am only mostly sadistic. However, under the right set of circumstances and proper alignment of the celestial spheres, I too can be sympathetic and kind. Therefore, I will grant you this bit of madness to carry forth into your directorial debut.
First and foremost, it is of the utmost import to remember that actors are not people. In faith, actors are miserable creatures that exist solely to assist in their petty, puny and negligible ways in the creation of your artistic vision. Remember, except for the rarest of cases, actors speak lines other people write, wear costumes other people make, sweat makeup other people applied and still have the nerve to be egotistical.
To be a successful director, one must be able to transcend any feelings or emotions and focus solely on the good of the show. Friendship, love, relationships, money are all secondary! Never cast someone because you are friends. Cast him or her because they will best fit the needs of the role. Never cast someone because you are sleeping with them! Sleep with everyone if you must, but better to sleep with none of them. As a director you are a tyrannical god with the power of life and death over the poor players that strut and fret their time on stage. Keep that emotional distance that allows you to tell the story you want to tell.
A good director is never beholden to anything. Not the players, not the producer, not the audience, not the writer and definitely not to the script. Adapt, adjust, modify, twist, subvert, exhume, convert, plagarize, sin, fondle, terrorize, burn and rewrite whatever parts of the show that do not work within the confines of your vision. Overcome the obstacles of insufficient funding, poor lighting, useless sound equipment, actors, producers, writers and, most of all, the dumb audience. I have mangled Shakespeare, twisted Goethe, insulted Voltaire, all to create, for a brief moment, a story to move the audience outside of their dreary lives and into a new realm that I control.
I encourage everyone to try directing a show at least once. As a performer it will give you a better understanding of the inner workings of the theater. As an artist it will give you the creative control to tell the story you want told. And it will give you a wonderful opportunity to tap the dark, evil, abusive and scary side of your nature that you secretly love.
Search Engine Optimization (the black magic used to increase your rankings with the search engines) requires links between sites. Therefore, at the risk of endangering my standing with Renspace, I hereby serve notice that I am now posting some simple backlinks for my theater company and my business. I will be happy to offer backlinks to Renspace from any and all of these sites, if you will but provide me with the relevant search terms you wish hyperlinked.
If you want to click all these links, that's fine with me. Otherwise, feel free to ignore them. Thanks.
In case I haven't mentioned it, I am the co-founder and one of the Directors of Historic Entertainment in Miami, Florida. The group is a local community theater organization that focuses on period performances, including Renaissance and medieval festivals. Tonight I want to write about the important relationship between actors and directors.
As my various mad members will corroborate, I believe that the best can be brought out of any performer by challenging him or her to excel. I have been known to shout and scream. I have been known to stand nose-to-nose with an actor, hurling threats against his family for the next hundred generations. But tonight I wish to relate my greatest triumph.
A few years back I was asked by the democratically elected leaders of Historic Entertainment to direct a show. We only had two weeks to prepare and the event organizer had a specific combat show we had to perform. Since our group only meets once a week that meant we effectively had two rehearsals before our performance. I informed our elected leader, Dave Lopez that I would be happy to direct the show. However, borrowing from Darth Vader, I informed him that I would find new ways to motivate our actors.
Using our internet site, we distributed copies of the script to the cast and I commanded that all lines must be memorized prior to the first rehearsal. When Sunday came, I arrived at our practice site, a corner of one of Miami's beautiful public parks. The troops were lounging around waiting for the practice to start. I opened with my usual First Rehearsal speech about teamwork, responsibility, etc. and followed up with the usual round of threats and recriminations. I sat in my director's chair and called for everyone to take their places.
The script was really basic. We were performing a simple squire's tournament with some real over-the-top funny characters. The whole show ran a total of 20 minutes including about five different combat routines using various weapons. A simple show that does not require substantial preparation, but when you only have two rehearsals to make it happen, you need to dig down deep and find the one thing guaranteed to motivate even the laziest actor.
I found it...
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Colt Model 1911 Gas Airsoft Pistol with Blowback! This is quite possible the greatest tool ever given to a theater director. Using compressed gas, Airsoft guns fire plastic BB's so there is no chance of causing permanent damage as long as you don't aim for the face. With a muzzle velocity of more than 300 feet per second you are guaranteed to make your point. It is incredible how quickly actors remember lines after being shot for the fifth time. I fired about 130 BB's during the first day's rehearsal alone. I even bought a second ammunition clip so I would waste less time reloading.
Suffice it to say, the show went off without a hitch. We received excellent reviews from the event producers and were invited to return the following year to perform again.
But the story doesn't end there...
In South Florida, the major festival is the Florida Renaissance Festival. I was also a part of Cobblestone Characters, a small re-enactment group that manages the Royal Pavilion at this festival, when I was approached by the main Director for that festival. After inquiring after the veracity of the anecdote I just related, he asked me to explain how I could justify shooting people.
My reply: "They're not people. They're actors. And the only way to create great art is through great pain."
He offered me a directing job for the following year.
Remember, if you are going to get into directing theater, I recommend you get one of these Airsoft guns.
Well, I've been a member for exactly one day and I am already in trouble. Apparently it is very easy to issue a Friends invitation on Renspace.Com and, as such, I inadvertently sent a Friends request. I wish to thank the young lady for posting a Comment to my page with her eloquent and vitriolic refusal.
She also decided to use her Comment as a manifesto, of sorts, so that "once and for all" the lecherous netizens of the world would leave her alone. Please accept my apologies for the invitation; it shall not happen again.
