One week ago today, ripped from his mother's womb, came forth a conqueror.  Born to power by the sword and fire, I present to you all, my son, Louis IV.  Forever shall the world remember and tremble.

Babies are cool.  I forgot how much fun a baby can be.  His Starving Majesty seems intent on eating us into poverty.  But it is a small price to pay.

And his glory shall be eternal, and the people shall tremble at his feet. 

I'm going to get some sleep now.  Exhaustion and scotch are never a good combination. Especially when I get the urge to write.

So, once again I have come before the assembled multitudes in my head to address you all on how a director can achieve success.  While my previous tirades have displayed my penchant for abuse, it should be stated that I am only mostly sadistic.  However, under the right set of circumstances and proper alignment of the celestial spheres, I too can be sympathetic and kind.  Therefore, I will grant you this bit of madness to carry forth into your directorial debut.

First and foremost, it is of the utmost import to remember that actors are not people.  In faith, actors are miserable creatures that exist solely to assist in their petty, puny and negligible ways in the creation of your artistic vision.  Remember, except for the rarest of cases, actors speak lines other people write, wear costumes other people make, sweat makeup other people applied and still have the nerve to be egotistical. 

To be a successful director, one must be able to transcend any feelings or emotions and focus solely on the good of the show.  Friendship, love, relationships, money are all secondary!  Never cast someone because you are friends.  Cast him or her because they will best fit the needs of the role.  Never cast someone because you are sleeping with them!  Sleep with everyone if you must, but better to sleep with none of them.  As a director you are a tyrannical god with the power of life and death over the poor players that strut and fret their time on stage.  Keep that emotional distance that allows you to tell the story you want to tell.

A good director is never beholden to anything.  Not the players, not the producer, not the audience, not the writer and definitely not to the script.  Adapt, adjust, modify, twist, subvert, exhume, convert, plagarize, sin, fondle, terrorize, burn and rewrite whatever parts of the show that do not work within the confines of your vision.  Overcome the obstacles of insufficient funding, poor lighting, useless sound equipment, actors, producers, writers and, most of all, the dumb audience.  I have mangled Shakespeare, twisted Goethe, insulted Voltaire, all to create, for a brief moment, a story to move the audience outside of their dreary lives and into a new realm that I control.

I encourage everyone to try directing a show at least once.  As a performer it will give you a better understanding of the inner workings of the theater.  As an artist it will give you the creative control to tell the story you want told.  And it will give you a wonderful opportunity to tap the dark, evil, abusive and scary side of your nature that you secretly love.